Angel Father's Page

In Loving Memory of
UnbornAngels
and NewlybornAngels

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This Page is dedicated to all the fathers that have lost their babies and for mothers to have a better understanding of what their husbands might be feeling and going through.

Hello my name is Donovan and I would like to share my story, it has taken over a year now for me to talk about this . Watching my wife work on her pages has been drawing things out of my heart, I don't know if they are good or bad but I believe that the are issues that needed to come out and be healed. And that is my prayer for all of you that God would heal all of your hearts just like he is healing mine. I will never forget the text message that I received about two o'clock that afternoon, we were just finishing up our foundation and it said "I think we lost the baby". I thought to myself what? How could you lose Breanna, When I called her back Tina was crying on the phone and I was so worried about Breanna I even asked her where is Breanna , is she alright? Then she told me I think we lost the baby in my tummy.
        My heart sank I have never in my life felt the emotion that I felt that day and at that minute. So I tried to complete the task that I was working on at that time but could not. I then went over to the crew leader at that time and told him that we just found out that we lost the baby and that Tina was at the hospital receiving a second and third opinion. He put his hand on my shoulder and said she needs you and that I could take as much time off from work until we got through this. So I rushed to the clinic where she was and when I entered the room the look in her eyes just broke my heart, there I was having a feeling that was unfamiliar to me I was trying to be strong for my wife but on the other hand was worried that the baby that I was so excited about having in our life was gone and there was nothing that we could do about it. So after waiting for a little while in the waiting room we entered the room where they perform the test , the ultrasound, to look and see for the baby's vital signs. After three different specialists came and gone they all concurred the same thing "were so sorry for your loss there's nothing more that we can do.
         The next step was to schedule a time as soon as possible to deliver the baby, and giving the circumstances they made it as soon as they could. So the next two days were literally hell to walk through for the both of us, our baby that we loved and cherished and were waiting for to get here for us to love and hold had passed away inside my wife's tummy, the feeling made us both sick to our stomach, we just wanted the whole thing to be over with. When it was time for the baby to be delivered and taken out of her I thought that I was going to be there to uphold and strengthen my wife, I had no idea that the whole thing was about to hit home with me hard and I mean really hard. When they were able to induce her labor her cervix was still not large enough for a safe delivery, but they had no choice, she was losing to much blood it really scared me . I held her hand as long as they would let me but the blood loss was progressing so fast that they told me we have to take her now or else we could lose them both. So they rushed her into surgery, Tina and I wanted to be able hold the baby after delivery to kiss him or her and say goodbye, we had a wonderful doctor and she promised that she would do everything that she could to allow us to be able to have that, but there were so many complications that that didn't work out. They told me as they were escorting her into surgery that it would only be a one to two hour procedure, but it ended up taking up to almost four hours. They were the longest and most stressful four hour's of my life. I couldn't wait out in the waiting room, instead I sat on the floor just exactly where they took her in for her surgery, there I sat for four hours, which seemed like eternity also getting tired of the nurses and doctors letting me know that there was a waiting room down the hall and every time I would tell them my wife is behind that door, and I will stay right here until I know that she is alright. I would have to say that what was about to happen next I was not prepared for nor do I think anyone could be. As I looked up to see the door open I saw a bag being carried in the arms of a nurse, she looked at me with a look in her eyes like she was letting me know that she was sorry for our loss, then looked at the ground and kept walking. It was right there that I knew what was in the bag there was a bond like I had never felt before in my life, I just wanted to hold the bag and kiss it and tell my baby how much that I loved him or her but I could do nothing I was emotionally paralyzed I just watched the nurse and my baby go down the hallway and then they were gone. My heart sank deep in my being like never before I sat there helpless and powerless, able to do nothing but be at the mercy of God, could not fix it or change it just try my best to accept it, My baby was gone and my wife's condition was unknown to me.
      After a while had passed my mind began to accept what had really happened, my thoughts were focused on Tina. I begin to pray like I had never prayed before, "Please Lord be with her, please heal her her and let her be alright. After about another hour had passed the nurse that was with us before Tina went into surgery came out of the door's where they had taken her in, she looked at me with a smile on her face, not a smile of joy or gladness but a smile to me that I had desperately needed a smile like everything would be alright. She said to me as my heart was pounding inside "she is going to be ok" you will be able to see her in about thirty to forty minutes. When I was able to see her her I held her hand, she was in and out because of the medicine that they had given her but when she was coherent we looked at each other cried, held each other and told each other that it could only get better from here right? I was just so thankful to God that I had my wife back, I hurt so badly from loosing my baby but at least I didn't loose my wife as well.
       After a little while had gone by I had to return to work, I didn't really want to, but because of finances I had to. The week's, then month's that would follow would be very difficult for the both of us. Instead of being there for my wife like I knew in my heart I should be, I saw myself withdrawing myself from her, almost like I had blamed her for the loss of our baby. When we would talk about what had happened she would ask if I was upset with her? ask if I felt close to her? ask if I thought it was her fault? I would always answer no it is not your fault I am not upset with you but deep in my heart I knew that something was not right with me. I then begin to cry out to God to heal my heart from what had happened and that's what began to happen. I began to talk to Tina about what I was feeling, how much I missed our baby, how if I felt this way, I could not begin to feel her pain but wanted for us to be healed so we could get through this together. By the love and mercy of God that's what was happening, we just couldn't see it because of the pain.
Not more then a week to a week and a half had gone by before we were ready to have our memorial service four our baby Jordan Lee. Tina and I picked a place that was very beautiful to the both of us. I can remember the drive out there when we were almost there Tina asked me if I was going to say a prayer? "Of course I will" but as we were getting closer I could feel my strength diminishing inside of me. I wanted to be so strong for her but was hurting so badly inside that all of my strength as a man that I had ever known was gone, I was torn, broken, missing my baby so much, but trying to hold all of the pieces together like I knew a good husband and father should do. When we finally arrived to our memorial place we each wrote a goodbye letter to baby Jordan on scroll's that we tied to balloon's. It is right then that I would like to say sincerely to all of the women out there... you are not the only ones that hurt and feel pain for the loss of a child, father's, siblings grandparents, anyone who is capable of loving a child will hurt and does hurt. I understand, in part from watching what my wife went through that just because we may not feel eachothers pain the same, does not mean that we don't love, miss, hurt just as much but different.
       My heart sincerely goes out to every woman that has lost a child, but also to every father, every sibling, every grandparent, anyone and everyone who has lost a child they loved and cherished, no matter how much time they had with him or her, as long as you love and hurt my deepest prayers and regards are extended to you all.
   I have come to the end of my story, this last paragraph has taken a long time to bring to an end, close to a year now. When I began writing this story I never thought that it would take this long to finish, As I was close to bringing this story to an end Tina and I were experiencing great joy we were blessed with another child, a child that we both were so excited about and scared at the same time. I really believed that this child was going to be brought into the world and into our family. I have to be really honest with myself and admit that I believed so strongly that God had blessed us with this last child of ours as gift of joy to us and healing, not to erase the pain of losing Jordan, but maybe to help ease it, Tina and I made a decision before we tried to have one last child that whatever was to happen that it would be our last, that we would trust in the Lord. We both agreed that we did not want to go through the pain of miscarriage ever again, so our great joy turned into grief and sorrow as we lost our last baby. My son the son that I wanted more then life itself, in the short amount of time that we had you we loved you so much and appreciated every second that you were with us.

To my baby Jordan lee,
I love you and miss you so much you were a gift from heaven to your mother and I. Your mommy loves you and misses you more then words can describe, she loved you, cared for you, took extra care for you while she carried you. When we lost you we were so devastated, when mommy carried your sister Breanna I wanted a baby boy so bad, but when Breanna came into the world all of my wants and desires for a son didn't matter anymore. When I first held her she was so beautiful to me, I did not look at her as a girl or boy but as my baby, my child. What my heart is feeling right now and wants you to know is this, in the very deepest part of my heart I did not know weather or not you were a girl or boy and it did not matter to me I love you, miss you, care for you so much. I don't understand why you were taken from us, so very close to being brought into the world, all I can think of when I think of you is that you must have been so special that maybe God wanted you for himself. Jordan daddy loves you more then you will ever know and I can't wait to meet you and see you when it is time, even though my heart is sad and it misses you so much, I also know that you are in the best hands and care with your heavenly father,
Love Daddy

To my son,
You were so young when the Lord took you, the first week that you were in your mommy's tummy we both knew in our hearts, not our wants but our hearts that you were our little baby boy that we did not know if we would ever have. Mommy and I believe that God laid upon our hearts your beautiful name. Everything seemed ok this time, I never would have thought that you would have been taken from us also. So many unanswered questions in our minds and hearts so many deep dark voids that could take a lifetime to explore and still not have any explanations, as to why? not just from mommy and I but from so many others who want children and it sometimes doesn't work out, when there are so many parents blessed with beautiful children who don't take good care of them and neglect them. My son , daddy loves you so much and we were blessed with the short time that we got to have with you. All I can put into word's tonight while I type these word's is this I love you Daddy's precious baby boy.

I hope that this father's page will be a source of healing to all who would read it, I have been very open and vulnerable with my feelings and emotions and shared my story of loss and pain for all to read in hopes that anyone who read's my story will have a better understanding from a father's standpoint of how a father feels, love's ,hurts, and grieves
from the loss of his child.

I would like say a prayer right know,
Father many times I do not understand your decisions, I know that in my heart I am to trust you in all things in life's circumstances weather they make sense to me or not, no matter how painful they may become. And that alot of the time it's easier said then done. Thank-you for the beautiful family that you have given to me they are a very special gift. thank you for the children that you blessed Tina and I with that we don't get to raise, they are with you there heavenly father who loves them with a love that can only come from you. By your grace I surrender all of my hurt, anger, pain, all of my being to you, thank you for picking up all of these broken pieces and healing me , thank you Lord Jesus Amen.

Be merciful to me, O God, Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in you;
And in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge
Until these calamities have passed by.
Psalm 57vs.1

It is not unusual for the mother to receive most of the attention "How is she doing?" is a common question "How are you doing?" is not so common.
A lot of people think that a child's death can draw a couple closer. Sometimes it can do the opposite and make a couple begin to pull apart. For myself and my wife we had a difficult time reconnecting. we were both so tired and drained from our own grief that we had a difficult time leaning on each other.
Here are some things that we found important

Remember to talk to each other and about the baby
Hold each other as much as possible, even cry together
Realize that you both are grieving differently
Try to respect each others way of grieving.
Remember that neither you or your spouse is at fault.
Also you are both good parents, probably did everything you could to bring a healthy baby into the world.
Try to understand each other's pain and emotional needs are going to be different, try to be sensitive to each other's way of grieving and healing.
And finally, this awful pain in both of your hearts will heal over time it may take a lot of time, mine is still healing.

You may find yourself using your job as a way to cover up your feelings. you may work extra long hours in hopes that it will keep your mind off the realization of losing your child. you may have trouble sleeping and try to work harder in hopes that it will help. You may find yourself staring into space when you should be working. making more then a normal amount of mistakes, or you may find yourself not wanting to even go to work but have to because of responsibilites, i found myself experiencing alot of these emotions and then some.
You might get frustrated and tired of people always asking you about your wife and how she is doing, for me this was not the case I really appreciated the concerns and cares from people.
Remember, It is ok to feel angry when your baby dies. It seems so unfair, It hurts and it is difficult for a father to find support in another father that has been through this."Fathers are made to be strong not weak." Its not so easy to be strong when you have experienced this kind of loss. Society allows much to little time for grieving. and even less time for men then women.

It must be very difficult To be a man in grief
Since "Men don't cry"; and "Men are strong" No tears can bring relief
It must be very difficult to stand up to the test
And screen calls and visitors So she can get some rest
They always ask if she's alright and what she's going threw
But seldom take his hand and ask.. My friend, but how are you?
He hears her crying in the night and thinks his heart will break
He dries her tears and comforts her, But 'stays strong' for her sake
It must be very difficult to start each day brand new
And try to be so very brave He lost his baby too.
Author ~Unknown~

Miscarriages, like the pregnancies have almost always been thought of as having a big impact only on women. But this really is not as true as you would think it to be. Men do not have to suffer the physical pain of a miscarriage, but our emotional pain can-and often is-as difficult as a womens. Expecting dads, like expecting moms, have hopes and dreams about their unborn children, and most of us feel a profound sense of saddness when those hopes and dreams can no longer come to pass. And like our wives, most men feel inadequate and guilty when a pregnancy ends prematurely.

Despite these similarities, men and women experience and express their grief in very different ways. Women, are much more likely to grieve openly and, as a result, are more likely to get support and comfort from friends and family. Men, on the other hand, usually keep their feelings bottled up inside and rarely let anyone know how much they're hurting.

Miscarriages take a real toll on your emotions. It's very important, that you get as much emotional support as you possibly can and as soon as you can get it. The first step is to talk it over with your wife. Ask her how she's feeling and be supportive and sympathetic, but tell her how you're feeling too your wife might be surprised of how much this is affecting you. And you will be surprised that the distance that you felt between each other, now there will be a sense of healing and closeness, you will begin to draw closer to eachother, Your strength for her, Her strength for you, and god's strength for the both of you. you will discover that it will take these key ingredients to begin and complete the healing process that will need to take place in both of your hearts.

If your wife isn't able to be as supportive as you need her to be don't be too hard on her on her you both are hurting in your own ways. Talk to a therapist, a nurse or pastor, or even a close friend depending on your area, sometimes you can find a local support group or join an online group. Whatever you do, don't just sit back and wait for anyone to ask how you're feeling: chances are it might not ever happen.

Men especially are not interested in getting together with a bunch of people who don't have anything else in common except the loss of a child . If you're feeling this way, that's normal and its ok. But make sure you don't give in to the temptation to handle everything on your own. Stuffing your feelings inside will only hinder the healing process. You should if at all possible talk about it. It will help the healing process

The aim of this web site is to provide a general guide and it is not intended as a substitute for a consultation with an appropriate specialist in respect of individual care and treatment.

Copyright . Tina. All rights reserved.