In Loving Memory of
UnbornAngels
and NewlybornAngels
UnbornAngels
and NewlybornAngels
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Baby Kali's Story
01-10-08: *blink...blink...blink* "Pregnant". We're so afraid and excited - most couples try months, even years before this happens. 9 weeks? That's all it took? We call and text friends and let them know...We call family members to share in our excitement.
02-01-08: I get a bladder infection, my primary doctor comes in, gives me a hug and confirms the pregnancy. I was also lucky enough to get my first prenatal appointment, 7 weeks - confirmed by ultrasound. We get super excited because it was actually confirmed...
02-04-08: I get a phone call from my OB stating that I have an abnormal pap smear and he needs to get me in at my 12 week appointment to do a colposcopy. I'm so scared, for the baby. Doug's scared, for both of us.
02-27-08: We go in, he reassures me the baby's okay and he reassures Doug that we're both okay. He states he'll have the results within a few days and he'll call. He goes over scenario's with us... when I deliver, the cells could be "washed out". He'll do another colposcopy 6 weeks after I deliver to confirm. If they weren't. He'll do a cone biopsy to see how deep the cancer had gotten - depending on that, he'll do a cyro or LEEP... if the cancer is "too deep", worst case scenario, I'll have a hysterectomy. But, he reassures me the baby is unaffected - and I'm okay because my baby's okay.
03-03-08: It's high grade, level 2. It's pretty serious, he wants to get me in at 24weeks and 36 weeks to do more colposcopys to make sure the cancer hasn't become invasive.
03-28-08: My cervix isn't healing well and there's abnormal things going on with me, I go in - I have a bacterial infection. They said it happens really often in pregnancy, it's completely normal. The baby's okay, and I'm okay because my baby's okay.
04-30-08: It's a girl! I go in for my 20 week ultrasound. We're so excited. Doug's immediately stressing, thinking about the teenage years, but he's so excited because he's gonna have his precious little cupcake here and he can't wait. We go out and buy pink stuff and Daddy's little Princess pacifiers and shirts... you name it, we probably bought it. But, she's not cooperating, she won't flip over - so they schedule another 2D ultrasound - how lucky are we? We get to see our precious baby girl twice within a week.
05-02-08: I get a terrible sinus infection overnight, and my OB calls my PCP and they call in an antibiotic for me.
05-07-08: 22 week ultrasound (according to my due date per the 20 week ultrasound). We take her big brother, John. We see her move and suck her thumb, she's being an angel - they get all of the images they need and give us yet another disk of our perfect little girl. We email them and brag and hang them up in our offices, we're so excited. We're having a girl!
05-08-08: I leave work early because I still feel pretty bad from the sinus infection and I'm having lunch with our friend Renea (she's who introduced me and Doug, both times. She was also throwing the baby shower and walk me through labor when the time came since she's a nurse). I get a phone call from my OB stating there's only 2 vessels in the cord, when there's usually 2 arteries and 1 vein... there's only 1 artery and 1 vein. This usually causes kidney and heart problems, but the paranatologist looked and she looked extremely healthy. They wanted me back in at 28 weeks for yet another ultrasound to make sure they just didn't miss the other artery. We were so scared that something was wrong with her... I was a nervous wreck. I called the doctor a million times with 2 million questions. They reassured me that we most likely had nothing to worry about since my AFB blood test came back negative and her kidneys and heart looked perfect, it happened, unbelievably, often.
05-20-08: We're in Vegas, visiting my mom. I call the doctor here in Colorado with some symptoms, she tells me to go to Urgent Care or the ER, I may be leaking amniotic fluid. Urgent Care was a nightmare. She nurse who barely spoke English had to have us explain Braxton Hicks to here and tried to tell me (at what we thought) was 23.6 weeks that I was in my first trimester. We walked out. We went to the ER, they sent me directly up to labor and delivery, and I was so scared, I couldn't have her, she's not big enough, she's not strong enough. I was praying not to let anything happen to her. They swab for amniotic fluid, sends it to the lab and it's confirmed it's not amniotic fluid. Kali's heartbeat is strong and the computer isn't showing any contractions. They reassure us we're both fine and to have a nice vacation.
05-23-08: Friday night, I start having random stomach aches, my back starts hurting... I honestly thought I just had to go to the bathroom. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't poop. It sucked.
05-24-08: I tell my mom what I'm feeling and she tries to convince us to stay another night because she said it sounded like I was in labor. I timed the "stomach aches" they were so irregular that I thought it was painful Braxton Hicks and I remember thinking, whatever ass thinks these don't hurt deserves to be shot in the head. We get in the car to head home, the contractions are still kind of irregular, 2-30 minutes apart and not too painful... but painful enough I still can't sleep. Whoever has EVER drove with me as a passenger knows that's impossible. I'll go to sleep within a 15 minute car ride. A 12 hour drive, turned into a 10 hour drive. I was in pain, Doug was sleepy and we just wanted to get home. The closer we got to home, the stronger the contractions got... they got down to 2-6 minutes apart and more and more painful. I call the on call nurse around midnight, she says to go to the labor board as soon as we got back in town. 2:30am, we're at the hospital, I'm transferred up to labor and delivery immediately. The baby's heartbeats strong and the monitor isn't showing any contractions.
They tell me I'm just dehydrated and bring me water.
The doctor comes in, sees the look on my face during one of the contractions and decides to check me. 3am, I'm 3cm dilated and 100% effaced. The monitor still isn't showing contractions, but my face is. She brings in the ultrasound machine, it also confirms I'm having contractions, the monitor, still is not. Everyone's shocked, including myself. 3cm dilated, 100% effaced? What does this mean? It means, the longest they can prolong it is one week and there's still a really high chance if she makes it - even with medical assistance there's only a 25% chance that she'll be able to leave a normal life. So, a 60% chance she makes it and out of that 60%, only 25% of such a low number that she'll be normal and healthy? This isn't happening.... but it is. We have to make a decision. What the hell kind of decision is this? What did we do to deserve this?
We talk about it, I break down - I'm having my perfect little girl 17 weeks early. I'm praying to God not to let this happen for my cervix to come back for the dilation to go backwards and for me to wake up and it just be a horrid nightmare. But, I know with every painful contraction, this is so real and I lose it. I can't do this to her... I can't let her live a life of torture. We decide to let nature take its course. I deny all medicine at first, but the stronger the contractions get, I can't. I get IV with narcotics, and it helps for the first hour or so - then it wears off after about 45 minutes... But, they're deal able. Until the medicine starts wearing off after 10 minutes, then doesn't help at all. Since we made the DNR order on her they offer me a morphine pump... I have that for about 2 hours - it's doing nothing except making me drunk feeling. I'm not going to sleep and it's not helping with the pain, at all. It only let me pump it every 15 minutes... it doesn't work.
Dr. Barton comes in, advised he's going to want to do a D&C after I deliver, but just the "C" part: Curettage. This just means that after she's born, he'll go in with a thin, extremely sharp tool and "shave" off the uterus lining and any extra tissue in the uterus.
The doctor requests since the morphines not working he recommends me getting an epidural. The anastheologist had a really hard time getting into my spine, my vertebra's are extremely close together and after 4-5 unsuccessful attempts and saying aloud, 'I'd rather just have the contractions' he asks me to let him try one more time - he has to move up an entire "section" of my back. However, after it kicked it. It was the most amazing thing, I couldn't feel anything from my waist down, but it was amazing.
So, for the D&C, I have to sign consent forms for that and a blood transfusion in case something happens and I start bleeding out. So, if it's not bad enough I'm going to deliver my baby early, and lose her - I have to worry about getting a blood transfusion too in case some kind of freak accident happens and the tool busts through the uterus wall? I love him, he was extremely supportive and caring throughout my entire stay at the hospital... and my nurse? There are no words to explain how much support she gave us. She spent every moment she could in the room with us and the baby.
She brought me homemade brownies this morning and did all this extra stuff, that was never expected from anyone. She cried when she heard the baby's cry. I left with her personal telephone number, she said that we had touched everyones life that had been around us that she couldn't let us just go away and act like she never knew us. She was absolutely amazing and she made us promise if we decide to have another one, to call her on the way to the hospital and she would be there, no questions asked. Dr. Barton also promised to deliver Doug's 3rd baby. (He delivered the first 2). Dr. Barton also teared up twice while speaking with us today and had to walk out of the room. For the circumstances, I couldn't have asked for a better hospital staff than what we received. I do not have enough words and gratitude to even begin to thank everyone who assisted us. So, thank you - from the bottom of our hearts.
Kali was born at 3:25pm on May 25th and lived 3 hrs and 14 minutes, she passed at 6:39pm. No one expected her to cry, she had a strong cry. It broke every ones heart because she was so strong. They told us today they had some 35week old babies who didn't have that strong of a cry. It was so hard to not say, "Go! Do everything you can for her, just make her okay." and we couldn't... we knew the circumstances and we cannot be selfish in this situation, this is the most important decision that either of us have ever made in our life. We cannot make her live a life that she doesn't even know she exists in. The entire medical staff let us know that they knew how hard the right decision was and how strong of a couple we were to keep our decision.
We requested the Chaplain come down and baptize her before she passed. I lost it. She was going to meet her creator before she could even open her eyes.
I felt my baby move on my chest, I've never had a more precious drool fall on me, or more precious blood stain my clothes...She took her first and last breath and her first and last cry in my arms and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Every pain I ever felt, was worth it just for those 3 hours. They let me keep her in the room the entire time... even today. I got to put on her first diaper & clean her tiny bottom because after she passed away, she lost control of her meconium and had it all over her and her handmade dress. I got to dress her for the first time. I got her first kiss... I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love that little girl.
We had to have the mortuary come in today and make cremation arrangements for our baby. No parent should ever have to experience this. No mother or father should ever have to kiss her baby goodbye before she feeds them, before they digest food. No parent should ever have to leave the hospital after delivery without their baby... No parent should ever have to tell their baby goodbye and watched them be wrapped up. No parent should ever have to sign a birth and death certificate within the same day.
I had to leave my baby girl at the hospital today. I left my house with a full uterus and heart.... I came home with an empty uterus, empty heart, and empty arms.
We're supposed to be shopping for cribs, not coffins...
She's supposed to be coming home in car seat & not an urn.
I'm devastated. I can't function, and I feel like I'm absolutely losing my mind.
Luckily, we have loving friends and family who came to the house before we got home and removed all of the baby stuff. I don't know what I would do if I had to look at that. I lost in when we got home period just because she's not here with me and she should be. I can't sleep, I'm not hungry. Doug's having to deal with his emotions and take care of me because I can't function or have a clear thought about anything but her to do anything. He's so strong and I could not imagine going through this with anyone but him.
Rest in Peace, Angel.... we love you more than you'll ever know.
Mommy, Daddy, & Big brother John
