In Loving Memory of
UnbornAngels
and NewlybornAngels
UnbornAngels
and NewlybornAngels
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Baby Sara's Story
I found out about my baby at a routine visit to the doctor..as soon as they had trouble finding a heartbeat I got this sick feeling in my tummy. They acted like it was normal to not be able to find a heartbeat, I was close to six months pregnant when I found out that my baby had died inside me. I will never forget looking up at the monitor and the doc saying these words "Oh look the baby's fine, It has the hiccups" I think I realized before the doctor did that something was wrong. after a few minutes of watching the monitor her smiling face became plain and then came the words that no one wants to hear..."I'm sorry" So many thoughts and emotions went racing through my mind. The baby I had carried for five months was no longer alive. The doc told me that it had just died not to long ago because the placenta was still working and that it why it looked like the baby had the hiccups. I was sent home with the instruction to be back at 5 in the morning to give birth to my dead baby. I was to far along for them to do a DNC. I was very scared, sick and alone, No one could ever understand how I was feeling. The very next day I checked into the hospital regular labor and delivery room. I was surrounded with pregnant women in the hallways and the sounds of a newborn crying in the next room. Why would they put me here, as if I am not hurting enough, I remember a pregnant women smiling and nodding as if we had something in common. I felt so alone I had nothing in common with anyone on that floor I just wanted to go home, Labor lasted for about six hours of hard contractions, in my mind I kept having to remind myself that my baby was gone. Finally she came... I did not even want to look at her, I asked that they take her away, my mom insisted that I hold her and take a picture with her. I didn't want to but I did and when I looked at her, she was so small, but she had all her fingers and toes,a nose, mouth, ears, and eyes. everything...she was real and she was really gone. I was sent home and I went back to work right away...I acted like It never even happened. I buried my pain for a long time after this. Some family members made comments like "look at the bright side" Unfortunantly there is no bright side of giving birth to the death of your child. You never really understand what a woman goes through until you have gone through it yourself. Its is a painful thing for everyone involved, you, your spouse, your parents your other children. People just don't realize how "big of a deal it is" I was actually one of those people before I lost my baby..... I remember a friend of mine lost her baby a few years before me and I never really thought anything of it. I think I even told her "well...you can always have more" How awful I feel for saying that. Its so much more then that.. and now I have a deeper understanding of what she had gone through. If I could only go back and tell her ...I love you, and I am so sorry that you lost your baby. If only I had been a better friend to her. I never really dealt with Baby Sara's death I never really wanted to accept that it happened to me. I did what a lot of people do. I went to work right away. My boss gave me the week off of work paid and he was surprised to hear me answering the office phone at six in the morning the very next day. I buried my feelings and went along like nothing ever happened.
