A few years after I lost Baby Sara, I became pregnant again and delivered a healthy baby girl. My pregnancy went better then any, she was a c-section but I had already knew that I had to have a c-section. Donovan and I decided that we would have another one "our last" so soon after Breanna was born about 3 or 4 months I became pregnant again, Everything was going smoothly until that routine visit. The doctor layed me down on the table to check for a heartbeat. after not finding one for a few minutes I started to feel very uncomfortable, she then told me not to worry she was going to be right back with an ultrasound machine to check and see that everything was ok with the baby. I began freaking out inside shaking and starting to cry a little I knew something was not right. It only took a few minutes until I had heard the words that I had heard before that no expecting mother would want to hear "I'm very sorry" this overwhelming sickness came over me and my heart began to race, I called Donovan right away and he did not answer...they began to give me instruction to get a second opinion they gave me directions to a radiology clinic about a half hour away, I got my things and went to my car crying hysterically. I could not get a hold of Donovan and I felt so alone. It really was an "out of body experience" I started to drive (I honestly don't think I was in any condition to drive) I think it was almost worse then drinking and driving, I was not paying attention to where I was going or even the lane I was driving in. Doctors offices should really think about not releasing a patient that just found out news like this at least until she can get a hold of someone. I was devastated I drove all around town calling everyone I knew. What should have been a 30 minute ride home turned into about an hour of being disoriented, stressed and confused, Finally Donovan called me back after I sent him a text "I think we lost the baby" it was about 15 minutes but it felt like 15 hours, We met up at the house, and He grabbed me right away and we held each other most of the rest of the day. All I could think about was knowing what I would soon face for the second time, Donovan was feeling his own pain as well as mine, He was hurting to so it was hard for him to be strong for me.  So same procedure back to the hospital to give birth to a child that had died inside me. They induced labor Donovan and I decided to go ahead and go threw with labor so we could see the baby and say goodbye. I began to lose to much blood, the doctor made the call to go ahead with removing the baby by DNC we never found out the sex of the baby, so we named the baby Jordan middle name Lee. We both grieved over this child, We would become close at times, and other times we would be worlds apart. I blamed myself and I felt like Donovan blamed me. After we were released from the hospital I started taking pain killers and antidepressants, the pain killers were helping me "feel better physically" but after I stopped taking them...everything came back up in me, all the pain and hurt of the first child all hit me at once, I knew right then and there that I had to get help, I started searching for anything on the inter net, I called hospice to see if they had any local groups. I really needed to talk to someone. I searched the inter net and found a handful of websites I began reading other peoples stories and what they had been through, a lot far worse then mine I started to feel like "I'm not alone and I will get through this" that is when I realized how there is not a lot of support out there for women and men that have lost a child. It took quite a few months before I was able to accept what had happened to me and try to move on. I am doing better but it still hurts, I don't think the pain ever really goes away. It hurts when I look at the box they sent home with me full of memories, poems, baby socks and more...Jordan's Due date was August 1st. It hurt when august 1st came and went, there will always be empty spot in my heart for her or him, and Sara. My husband has his ownfeelings and thoughts that he talks about on the Fathers page  his experiences and what he went through. Dads hurt to, I never really knew that until I saw how much he cried.